Let It Go

Since my last post I have been trying to think of what a good title for my next one would be and as strange as it sounds Let It Go keeps showing up in my life. I read it in books, hear it on TV, hear it on the radio, and hear it while talking to others...if that isn’t a sign I don’t know what is.

Let It Go to me means so many things and I believe it is one of my better traits when I actually allow myself to do it. My life has presented me with many challenges, some I can change and some I can’t. It’s hard to realize at the minute what I have to live with and what I can actually let go. I truly feel that with letting go of events in my life I have allowed a higher power to introduce new and better things.

Patrick and I got married in 2004, we had been dating for over 6 years. I started working at Our Lady of the Lake in Baton Rouge as a pediatric nurse. Patrick had a few different jobs til one day my dad offered him a job in New Orleans. We were newlyweds then and yet I spent most nights alone in my house in Baton Rouge. I learned to let it go. Let go of the idea I had that we would get married and be home together every night to make dinner and start our family. I do say it made the days he came back to Baton Rouge even more enjoyable. We learned then to make the most of our time together, which if you have read is a mantra in our life now. As I look back It was the first door opening for our wonderful life together. From that first job with my dad, the two of them went on to open Tuna Construction together. It has now been in business for over 15 years.

After a year of the commute from Baton Rouge to New Orleans we decided to make the step to move closer and for me to find a job there. I was offered a night position in the PICU at Ochsner. I didn’t interview for the PICU position, I had interviewed for the floor nurse job. I was scared to be in the PICU but after thinking for a while I decided to let go of my plan and go the direction that was presented to me. It was one of the best things I did for my career. From that stepping stone I met so many people who helped me along the way in my nursing journey at Ochsner. Letting go of my plan allowed me to be where I am today. I am now working from home for Behavior Teaching Concepts. I believe that I am able to be home with the boys and go to Wyatt’s multiple doctor appointments because I took the new path presented to me and let go of what I had planned for my career path.

As the years have gone on I am sure there are many times I have let it go but not one more significant than after Wyatt’s diagnosis. In 2006 he was born and he was just perfect. We had a plan of this beautiful life together; watching Wyatt grow up, play on playgrounds, play sports, walk down the aisle to get married and that was all changed in the blink of an eye. I am not saying letting go of those ideas were easy or that those thoughts don’t creep in but I have worked hard to let go and see the things that Wyatt can and will do in his life and how I can help make it happen for him. Many days I am presented with something Wyatt can no longer do or is no longer easy for him to do. I now take a deep breath (and many times shed a bunch of tears) and then I let go of that loss and move on to what we have to do next to keep going and make the most of the moments together. It was like history repeating itself when we first began our marriage and were only together a few days a week.

Before getting married Patrick and I knew we wanted more than 1 child so a few years after Wyatt’s diagnosis we believed we were ready to grow our family but we had to make the unique decision of having another child that could possibly have duchenne the “normal way” or to go out of our comfort zone and try fertility treatment that would test the embryos to see if they had the mutation. First off this decision would cost A LOT of money so it was not made lightly. Any thoughts we had for boats, vacations, new cars, you name it had to be put on the back burner if we picked the fertility choice. We let go of our fears and plans we had of creating a baby the "normal way" and jumped in head first. It was long and hard, I wouldn’t wish fertility treatments on anyone. It is stressful, painful, and pulls at every emotion you can have. We obviously welcomed the birth of our youngest child Wynston and he is just perfect. He does have his own premature birth story but that is for another day. We now look back and know that letting go of our fears and original plans were exactly what we needed to do. I admit we did try one more time because we had 2 girl embryos left but unfortunately they did not implant. We were heartbroken but we eventually let go of our dreams of having another child, it definitely wasn't easy to let go of that dream because I always felt we were going to have 3 children. Letting it go is NOT EASY but after a while I knew that we were meant to be a family of 4...me and my 3 favorite guys. You can ask my 3 guys what I tell them when they get frustrated or worried with everything from a video game, work, school, friends, and even being pi$$ed with the changes because of DMD...take a breathe and a break and let it go. We are only in charge of our reactions and when we let it go we can see clearer and know that there is a reason we things happen and we just have to be open to receive it.

I tell you all of this because letting go of your plans and realizing that when you let go of one thing you are allowing something else to happen in your life. It is not easy but as I look back and reflect on the most memorable times when I have allowed my life to take some unplanned turns because I let go, life has ended up pretty good even with a diagnosis of DMD in our life.

If this is something that you can relate to I suggest reading the book The Surrender Experiment by Michael A. Singer. Patrick found this book in his Audible account a while ago. It isn’t a book he remembers choosing or buying but it was in his library so he ready it and he found it enlightening and suggested I read it. I am currently reading it and I am realizing I have been doing a lot of surrendering and not even knowing it. Try it...let go, surrender, whatever you want to call it, it may make a huge difference in your life.